Body dysmorphic disorder? Can you relate?

Blogging inherently has a touch of vanity to it. And when I follow another's blog, I am always very curious about the author. One of my goals with this blog is to not only help myself get a more healthy attitude about my body image, but to show others that they are not alone when it comes to a preoccupation with food and body size.

So I've decided to post a number of photos of myself throughout the past years. As you'll see, I've always thought I was fat--even when I was anything but. Today, I am fat--I'm just under 5'9" and weigh 178 pounds giving me a BMI of almost 27!! That is why I have no current photos. I promise that when I get down to a tolerable size I will post some before/after photos!

If you recognize yourself in my comments...please give a shout.

Labor Day-2009...All I ever wear are oversized, blousy clothes to hide that fat...the legs are still relatively skinny. But as Carl, my honey, says, "skinny legs don't count"! I think I also posted a photo-shopped version of this pic on Facebook?

Las Vegas-August 2009...chubby round face--only the camera angle allows this photo to be published. We had a great time, ate some very good food and walked miles, but I wouldn't let Carl take pictures of me.

Destin, Florida-March 2009...This is the view from our bedroom patio door of our condo. We took lots of photos but there is only one of me and it horrifies me. You may see it when I have an 'after' picture to compare it to!

Self-portrait-February 2008...I was at about 155 here and while I wasn't happy with that weight, I like this picture. Of course, it doesn't hurt that you can't see my tum.

February 2008--cheesy resume photo but it landed me the job...which eventually turned into a nightmare! Pharmaceutical sales will never have me to kick around again.

Christmas 2007--a happy little family--me and my 'kids' Abby and Leo, unfortunately my marriage to Chris was in dire straits as his alcohol and drug addiction had become too much.

August 2007--Chris took a series of photos like this and this one turned out pretty darn good. We were in the boat for a day of fishing on the Wisconsin River and it was one of our last happy outings together.

Me and a very annoyed little kitteh--thankfully Leo lives on to beg for his daily treats!

Lac Seoul, Ontario, Canada-2006...I have few photos of me because I was too fat. And while the weather was beautiful, I wouldn't wear a swimsuit because I was...yup...too fat.

This is me and my catch on a family vacation to Lac Seoul, Ontario Canada. I supported Chris' fishing habits among others but he never really taught me to fish.

My truly loved brother, Michael and I celebrating his 42nd birthday in Canada in July of 2004. I brought the cake and balloons from home and surprised the boy!

Canada 2004
Natalie, my niece, me, Gage, my nephew and...
dearly departed, Abby in Nimrod t-shirts


Key West 2003--me in front of the Sponge Man. Of course, I thought I was HUGE.

Key West-20003...while my alcoholic husband drank himself silly I stuck to water

Feeling like a whale at 145, I'm hiding alone to work on my tan...sad.

June 1996--my wedding to Chris. My sister, Katy, was my Maid-of-Honor, something that she herself requested..."it's only right", she told me!

June 1996--me at 135 in Aruba on our honeymoon. I wasn't exactly emaciated, but my BMI was at 16 and my collar bones and rib bones are prominent. Why do I love this picture?

This is my favorite photo from our wedding day in June of 1996. Chris looked so handsome in his tux; I was thin and my wedding dress, which I had made for $135 from a local seamstress, fit like a dream. Beware, my friends, marriage is not the wedding day, and that handsome fellow that you lock eyes with across the bar can become your undoing.

More Wedding Day Joy

More history and my plan

'Fat and Disgusted' may be how I feel today--well, maybe yesterday--but it's not in my future. If nothing else, I've always had good plans of attack on most obstacles in my life, and I've come up with one to achieve 'Healthy and Pleased'.

I had my left hip replaced in 2004 at the age of 43, and last year I had my right hip replaced--now I set off all the bells and whistles at the airport but I have bionic hips! Thank God to all the orthopedists out there who make this possible--if not I would most definitely be in a wheelchair. So this spring, when the Arctic tundra of Wisconsin turned to hard brown grass and eventually fields of green, I began walking--again. I was very consistent throughout the summer--walking 4-6 times a week for about 40 minutes. I felt good and had stopped the weight gain anyway.

This September, my mom who's retired and living in East Tennessee, develops a bowel obstruction, and her hubby cannot deal with it. So...Kate to the rescue...leavin' on a jet plane...silver wings shinin' in the sunlight...down to soggy land of rain and humidity. My walking plan came to a halt. Mom happily lives on to exercise another day--all of 108 pounds of her after no food for a week, and I return to the Great North.

But the cold Canadian winds swept into Wisconsin early in the autumn of 2009--snow flurries and gloomy skies. And, I also had the fortune to join the Swine '09 Club--two weeks of weakness, sore throat, and desert-dry hacking cough. At one point in this very confusing season, I had the wherewithal to realize that my walking days were numbered--icy, frigid winters in Wisconsin are not conducive to a consistent walking program. So, I checked into the financial assistance that my local YMCA offers to those community members who are 'economically challenged': Me; out of work and poor as a church mouse (more on that at some other time). I was able to join the Y at an affordable fee. Yeh!

So, before, the oink-oink flu had me in its' grips I was able to attend one Deep Water Exercise Class, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Having been unemployed since the first of the year, I have isolated myself way too much. Truth be told...I'm kinda' shy. But...today, I made it back to the pool for a Monday morning class...only to find out the schedule had been changed! Classes are now Tuesday through Friday, but there were a number of other women who were as misinformed as myself and we 'suffered' on.

So...in the past week, I have walked on five occasions for an average of 40 minutes, I did one session of weight training, and I exercised in the pool today--including swimming laps for 15 minutes--for a total of 45 minutes. I've also been logging all of my calories into Livestrong.com.

Tomorrow: More pool time, and if the weather continues to hold...another walk in Wisconsin November light. Track calories on Livestrong.com...continue to pursue new career goals.

Fat and Disgusted

I can't believe how obsessed I've become with my weight.

In the past two years I've put on 20-25 pounds--depending on the characteristics of either a "good" or "bad" day on the scale. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror and few of my clothes fit. The few that do, have to be dried on the lowest level in the dryer to prevent any shrinkage, and then when I put them on I stretch them out to accommodate my beastliness. I haven't weighed this much in almost 15 years.

A little history:
My whole family could be described as whack-job eaters...scooting up and down the scale like busy little beavers. Mom has always been 'petite'--God, I hate that word--and claims she just doesn't like to eat, but she has always been very conscious of her weight; working out at health clubs during her working years, and now actively involved in too many senior exercise activities in the retirement community that she and her husband reside in. Dad, on the other hand is a big guy at 6' 2", and struggled with a pudgy self-image from high school on. He's been on and off diets for as long as I can remember. Currently, at age 73, he weighs a mere 188 pounds and he looks underweight--face drawn and just...well...skinny. My brother and his wife (who's had issues with bulimia) are admittedly insane when it comes to their bodies and self-images. A few summers ago my brother was so thin he looked emaciated.

And belonging to a family of this nature, I have always been on some "program", as we like to call them, or other since I hit puberty at 11. I had a relatively brief experience with anorexia during my teens when, at almost 5' 9" tall I weighed a light 113 (BMI of 16). I remember standing in front of a mirror in my bikini and my mother asking if I wanted my stomach to be concave and I replied without missing a beat, "Of course!!". Throughout my college years I was relatively healthy--well, as healthy as you can be on a beer and pizza "program". But as I moved through my 20's into my early 30's, the lack of exercise, tending bar, hence working late nights and eating poorly, took it's toll and I porked out to 180!

Serious disgust took hold--I quit drinking alcohol and started walking--obsessively--and over the course of a year and a half--lost 45 pounds, which conveniently put me at 135 (BMI of 20) for my wedding and honeymoon to Aruba. I was very thin--really too thin for my frame.

But never, fear...time, early menopause, two hip replacements, and a failed marriage helped me pack back on 20 of the 45 I lost. I wasn't happy at 155 but it gave me a BMI of 23, which is normal.

So what's up with me today!?? Well, I divorced my alcoholic husband, left my career as a pharmaceutical sales rep...a few other life-changing moves...and fell in love. Oh love...there's a definite reason that love and appetites co-exist.

Glasses of wine, homemade blueberry pancakes, romantic picnic dinners in the park, lunches at every local restaurant in town, candlelight dinners in out of the way bistros, lunches at tiny little cafes, more glasses of wine, Sunday brunches, Honk Kong Buffet, Las Vegas and more buffet, late night pizza delivery, and did I mention lunches? Ah yes, the appetites of lovers!

Today I am closing in on my all time FATTEST, and am disgusted beyond comprehension.

Ah...to return to the days of robust, Ruebenesque women!